Is It Everything You Wanted?

Is it everything you wanted? Was it all they said it would be? When you left and went the other way, was it all it was cracked up to be. Did the lights shine through the window. Was there Angels at your door? Did it open up the flood gates of your heart just once more? 
Have you ever thought about leaving? Have you ever heard my name? Has it ever stopped you in your tracks and made you think of me. When you go to sleep at night do I ever cross your mind. Cause I’m telling you this once, you’ve never left mine. 
I always sit and think sometimes why did we choose this path. If we just fought a little harder would we be each other’s last. We were young and tainted lovers. Listening to everyone but us. We couldn’t face the facts that each other was enough. So we’re sitting here beside them wondering how it could be. If just one of us had fought enough, this heartbreak would never be. 
Im not telling you this to hurt you or to make you cry for me. I’m just saying what’s been on my mind and I’m sure it’s not just me. You can’t tell me you don’t feel it. You don’t think it, you don’t know. How it feels to look back and wonder just what went wrong. If God was ever on our side right now id just want him to say, that one day this pain will go away and we will both be ok. 
Is it everything you wanted? Was it all they said it would be? When you left and went the other way, was it all it was cracked up to be. Did the lights shine through the window. Was there Angels at your door? Did it open up the flood gates of your heart just once more? 
-Lola
Always Remember You’re Beautiful!

Stripes and Jean

Hi loves, it’s been so long since my fashion posts I know, lol. But I’m finally back on track and able to blog again and it feels amazing. What better way to start blogging again than to begin with an easy yet stylish outfit. 

I love everything about this maxi/tunic striped dress. It’s flowy, fun and easy. Any body type can wear it and you can dress it up or down anyway you choose. I love the fact that when I’m having a bloat day (we all have them ladies, lol) <_> this dress will still make me feel pulled together and stylish without being to tight or constricting. 
   
 
It’s a fun, girly outfit while the slits in the sides add a little sexy added into it and I love it. Now that I’m back, I am so excited and can’t wait for new adventures on the blog to begin. I hope you all have a wonderful week and happy Monday as we sadly treck back into work with a Halloween candy hangover from the weekend, lol

  • Jean Jacket-Dresslink
  • Striped maxi/tunic-Dresslink
  • Nude sandals-Traffic Shoes
  • Watch-Space Grey Apple Watch Sport

Always Remember You’re Beautiful!

-Lola 

Breastfeeding Shame

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Ok so you know how in the magazines they have the beautiful pictures of the mother calmly and lovingly looking down at their baby while breastfeeding? They have a smile on thier face and they seem to be effortlessly feeding and bonding with the infant. Well let me just say that if breastfeeding was that easy everyone would do it.

But it’s not. It’s hard. It gets easier and yes it’s natural and your body knows what to do but it’s not just something you wake up and know what to do. Even if you’ve had more than one child it can be harder with one child then it was with the other. I have friends who say they couldn’t breastfeed at all, while some say it was easy and others say they dried up within a short few months despite breastfeeding exclusively the whole time. The issue I have with some is that they try and shame other women or make them feel bad for not being able to breastfeed of having to supplement with formula. As women and mothers we should applaud and encourage each other every step of the way. Motherhood is hard and not having support is harder.

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Let me be the first to say I was one who thought well since it was easy the last time it will totally be easy this time. But um no honey I was wrong lol. With all 3 of my kids breastfeeding was different. My oldest daughter I could only breastfeed for 2 months, my son I breastfed and pumped exclusively with no issues what so ever for 8 months and with my youngest daughter it’s been a challenge every step of the way. I also feel like I had such a successful time breastfeeding with my son because I had so much help and the hospital I had him in was amazing. Whereas it seems I tend to have my daughters in hospitals that aren’t as helpful or attentive at all.

Breastfeeding for me has been rough the first 2 weeks being the worst. There was crying on many occasions from me. Sometimes while feeding her. I was extremely engorged for the first week and a half so much so that even pumping was excruciating and then by the time I worked through the pain and frustration of that my nipples were so sore and battered that it was still very sensitive and somewhat painful a time when breastfeeding.

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Now 5 weeks later it’s so much better. The pain is gone for the most part and at times it’s just uncomfortable rather than painful. Pumping has been a challenge and since I’m going back to finish up my cosmetology license I have to pump for someone to feed her whole I’m gone. So I have had to supplement breast milk and formula but she’s transitioned well. I now breast and bottle feed her and she does well with both. When I am with her I rarely bottle feed so we still have that bonding time and so my milk supply stays consistent and continues to come in and when I’m gone I pump for her bottles.

I beat myself up for weeks and even cried because I had to supplement. Because some people and even a doctor told me not to. They made it seem as though I was feeding my child rat poisoning or something. I felt so bad and was made to believe she wouldn’t breastfeed or take my breast anymore because I was bottle feeding and because I was supplementing. Luckily I worked through that and she has proved that she will be fine and takes both breast and bottle very well.

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Exclusively breastfeeding and not bottle or supplementing is great for a stay at home mom that doesn’t work or go to school and never goes anywhere without baby. But for moms who work, have school, run businesses, etc. sometimes you need to supplement or bottle feed. It’s life and baby won’t hate you for it or grow up not feeling loved as long as your loving on them and raising them right it will be fine. Your child won’t grow up to be a cereal killer because you didn’t exclusively breastfeed though that’s how some make it out to be lol. We should empower and encourage one another to do what we can as mothers. There is no wrong way to parent as long as the child grows up happy and healthy in my book. So this has been my breastfeeding journey so far.

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How was your breastfeeding journey? Was it smooth sailing or did you have issues? Talk to you soon dolls.

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Always Remember You’re Beautiful!

-Lola

Miscarriage and TTC PT. 1

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Hello loves, since this segment is such a long one I have split it into 2 parts to make it easier for reading.

Miscarriage is never easy and neither is TTC actually. I mean obviously the actual act of which needs to be done is fun. But the waiting, the tricks, the tips, the ovulation counts, the wondering, that moment when you thought you were pregnant because you were a few days late but either your count was off or your body is just being evil, the test taking, that dreaded moment when you have to wait those god awful 2 minutes for the test to be complete and it says no, the hopelessness, etc. That part is not fun. Not even in the slightest bit. But we do it and we continue to do it for that moment, that scary, happy, exciting moment when you find out your with child after waiting for so long.

My story is a bit different. I got pregnant and had my first daughter right out of high school. Birth control malfunction and being a naive 18 yr old will do that to you. But nonetheless I had my daughter September 19, 2004. She was 5 lbs when she was born at 35 weeks premature and I labored for 12 hours. I feel looking back that they possibly could have done more to try and stop my labor but didn’t. After an hour of meds and contractions they decided to speed things up, break my water and later deliver.

After my daughter was born. I went to the doctor and after a few tests and a check up I was told I can’t carry my pregnancies to full gestation. One of the causes was possibly a birth control I was using had caused a bad reaction in my body. I had literally bleed for 6 months straight when I started it and when I finally stopped taking it a year later when I realized something was wrong. Also possibly because I had cystic ovaries. I was extremely ill one day and in so much pain. I went to the hospital to find out that one cyst that had gone undetected had burst and it was the worst pain aside from child birth I had ever felt. You can’t stand, you can’t move, you can’t breath, even laying down or being touched hurts. Almost like passing a kidney stone which I have heard is equally painful. I had also had menengitis at a point after having my daughter and almost died because I thought it was the flu so I tried to nurse it at home first before being rushed to the hospital eventually when it just got worse. I was told it would be extremely hard to get pregnant if I could at all because I wasn’t producing eggs normally either. At the time I accepted my fate, thinking well ok I’m not going to get pregnant anytime soon anyway. I’m only 19 working and going to college.

3 years past before I met my now husband. We weren’t trying to jump into having kids anytime soon. We both had a daughter from a past relationship so we thought a small blended family was best for us at that time. We got a new place and new jobs and things were progressing in our lives slowly from there. I told my husband about the possibility not being able to get pregnant. We came to terms with it and didn’t get our hopes up or expect anything to happen. We tried to get pregnant for almost a year but nothing happened. Then later after about 7 months we found out I was pregnant. We didn’t announce it or tell anyone at the time because we wanted to make sure everything was ok. But sure enough before my first Dr. appt I woke up bleeding extremely heavy and knew we were having a miscarriage. It was devastating. As a woman to feel like you can’t carry a child or do the one thing as a young woman you take advantage of and try to avoid at all costs is the worst feeling. You feel like a let down, less of a woman, like your not normal because you can’t do what God made you to do.

After our miscarriage we were certain that getting pregnant was not going to happen. Seeing pregnant women or babies made me sad for awhile but I prayed and focused on our girls and the things going on in our lives and soon things got a bit better. 6 months later shortly after Christmas I was on the phone with my bestie when I had a sudden urge to vomit. I got off the phone a sure enough was sick in the bathroom. I chalked it up to the seafood leftovers I had eaten and continued on with my day. But I just kept feeling ill so my friend urged me to take a test. I had counted and realized I was late and hadn’t even noticed.

When my husband (fiancé at the time) had come home I told him what was happening and that I was late and we went out and I bought 5 tests. Yes 5, I know crazy test lady over here lol. I took them at all different times and they all lit up pregnant immediately. We were scared, happy, excited and terrified all at the same time. We again told no one until we went to the doctor. We made it to the doctor had blood work done and it was confirmed that we were pregnant. We were excited. Shocked that it had happened and that from my calculations at least we were already 3 months along.

That’s the end of pt. 1 loves, I will try and have pt. 2 up tomorrow or by Saturday.

Always Remember You’re Beautiful!

-Lola

Car Wash Cool

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Me and the hubby had a Sunday Funday on our kids free weekend and figured we would clean out the car and then take our dog Brooklen to the farmers market. This maxi dress I found at Ross for an unbelievable $13.99 is silk material and long. I love how it flows and just lays over my body instead of clinging to it. Especially on a nice warm day. Naturally I ended up changing into some shorts and a tank top because it just got to hot but for the start of the day this was a great outfit. It’s also great on date nights. What do you like to do on your lazy Sundays?

Dress Ross| Sunglasses Forever 21| Watch eBay| Bracelet Charlotte Russe

Always Remember You’re Beautiful!

-Lola

Sleepless Heartbreak

I’ve never felt pain like this. A constant battle with your heart and soul. Something you thought was so right be so wrong. Just one day or night could change your whole life. You thought for good but it was for bad. There is no butterfly effect. No time machine. No magic to make you forget. The thing that’s hurts most is you’ll be fine. You’ll forget about me but I won’t forget about you. No matter how hard I try. That’s my curse, the only magic trick I know. Is to never forget and to never let go. So should I just pretend. Until it all turns true. Should I just act like I never knew you. If I keep repeating it. Will it be for real. So one day ill wake up and my heart will heal.

The Downside to Life

OMG I’M STARVING!!! I screamed. Looking in my moms kitchen. There’s nothin to eat. All health crap but not even the good kind. Down to the damn health toast and organic sugar granules. I need to go grocery shopping for myself ASAP. Ever since I made the decision to move back to my moms to save up some money for a house and get another car it’s been like slow torture. Sharing a car with a 19 year old who feels like she knows everything and has no real responsibility just makes me want to tear my hair out. Don’t get me started on her driving. Dear God I need my own car again asap. This isn’t New York so its not like I could just hail a cab or take the train, which I would gladly do if I could. I won’t make it to the age of 28 with this kind of crap going on. Just a cautionary tale to all. When you move out of your moms house, DON’T GO BACK!!

Lock Smith

I just wanna wake up and be in love. Feel free, be excited like I use to. I don’t want everyday to be a struggle. I want that one thing. That one feeling. That one touch. I don’t get that and I can see why others do but not for me. Everyday is hard. It’s like time is standing still waiting for me to crack the code. But wait cause I forgot how to pick the lock.

Always yours,
Lola

Our Goodbye

It’s like a movie with no ending or a song with no hook. You keep going back and forth but nothing gets done. Feelings stay hurt, the hero never comes. All that’s left to do is turn around and run. Everybody’s right, everybody’s wrong. No one seems to stop and ask what it’s done to me. Even if your in it, even if you tried. You still wouldn’t understand whats been done to my heart. All I see is dirt roads, all I see is fields. Staring at an ending that will never appear. I can see me dying, while you watch me cry. Just pretend your happy and then you won’t be so sad. 27 candles all burned along the way. Just to light a path that isn’t going anywhere. How hard is it to focus, how hard is it to cry. Every time I tell you something, it’s not the reason why. How long will we be fighting? How long will this go on? Some people I guess were meant to just be alone. I fall in love to easy and fall out just as quick. But leaving is a different story because love turns to sympathy and regret. So hold my hand tonight and let it be the last time. I promise I’ll be gone in the morning and that will be our last goodbye.

-CH-

The end

I talked to a friend. She’s married with 4 kids. She said even when her husband is being a complete dick and she wants to leave. She doesn’t have the strength. Emotionally or financially and no family to help. I don’t want to be that girl but I am. Constantly trying to make things better but they just don’t go the way I planned. I’m not happy and whether I stay in this or not. I never want to do it again. I thought love was all great. Disney really tricks you as a kid. You can be a princess almost get killed by a witch have evil step mother and sisters live in poverty and you always end up happy and living with Prince Charming in the end. BULLSHIT!! Life is not a movie obviously and there’s always a downside to life. You might get a great career and guy but then he cheats on you or beats you. You might get a slightly less motivated guy that doesn’t cheat or beats you but never wants to do better. Either way you always get fucked in the end. At least that’s always my outcome. All good things come to an end. I just know now not to expect anything from life but what I get. Relationships are just not for me. So I either try and take what I get or nothing at all. I’m never alone because of my kids. But as far a love and emotion goes I’m fucked.