Foodcation Vlog

Hi loves! It’s been awhile but I’m back and hoping I can make my blog better than ever. Click the link below the photo to check out my YouTube video of my weekly Vlog with some clips of us off in New York on a mini Foodcation. Hope you enjoy.  
Always Remember You’re Beautiful!

-Lola

NYC Bound: Foodcation

Is It Everything You Wanted?

Is it everything you wanted? Was it all they said it would be? When you left and went the other way, was it all it was cracked up to be. Did the lights shine through the window. Was there Angels at your door? Did it open up the flood gates of your heart just once more? 
Have you ever thought about leaving? Have you ever heard my name? Has it ever stopped you in your tracks and made you think of me. When you go to sleep at night do I ever cross your mind. Cause I’m telling you this once, you’ve never left mine. 
I always sit and think sometimes why did we choose this path. If we just fought a little harder would we be each other’s last. We were young and tainted lovers. Listening to everyone but us. We couldn’t face the facts that each other was enough. So we’re sitting here beside them wondering how it could be. If just one of us had fought enough, this heartbreak would never be. 
Im not telling you this to hurt you or to make you cry for me. I’m just saying what’s been on my mind and I’m sure it’s not just me. You can’t tell me you don’t feel it. You don’t think it, you don’t know. How it feels to look back and wonder just what went wrong. If God was ever on our side right now id just want him to say, that one day this pain will go away and we will both be ok. 
Is it everything you wanted? Was it all they said it would be? When you left and went the other way, was it all it was cracked up to be. Did the lights shine through the window. Was there Angels at your door? Did it open up the flood gates of your heart just once more? 
-Lola
Always Remember You’re Beautiful!

Sleepless Heartbreak

I’ve never felt pain like this. A constant battle with your heart and soul. Something you thought was so right be so wrong. Just one day or night could change your whole life. You thought for good but it was for bad. There is no butterfly effect. No time machine. No magic to make you forget. The thing that’s hurts most is you’ll be fine. You’ll forget about me but I won’t forget about you. No matter how hard I try. That’s my curse, the only magic trick I know. Is to never forget and to never let go. So should I just pretend. Until it all turns true. Should I just act like I never knew you. If I keep repeating it. Will it be for real. So one day ill wake up and my heart will heal.

Lock Smith

I just wanna wake up and be in love. Feel free, be excited like I use to. I don’t want everyday to be a struggle. I want that one thing. That one feeling. That one touch. I don’t get that and I can see why others do but not for me. Everyday is hard. It’s like time is standing still waiting for me to crack the code. But wait cause I forgot how to pick the lock.

Always yours,
Lola

Our Goodbye

It’s like a movie with no ending or a song with no hook. You keep going back and forth but nothing gets done. Feelings stay hurt, the hero never comes. All that’s left to do is turn around and run. Everybody’s right, everybody’s wrong. No one seems to stop and ask what it’s done to me. Even if your in it, even if you tried. You still wouldn’t understand whats been done to my heart. All I see is dirt roads, all I see is fields. Staring at an ending that will never appear. I can see me dying, while you watch me cry. Just pretend your happy and then you won’t be so sad. 27 candles all burned along the way. Just to light a path that isn’t going anywhere. How hard is it to focus, how hard is it to cry. Every time I tell you something, it’s not the reason why. How long will we be fighting? How long will this go on? Some people I guess were meant to just be alone. I fall in love to easy and fall out just as quick. But leaving is a different story because love turns to sympathy and regret. So hold my hand tonight and let it be the last time. I promise I’ll be gone in the morning and that will be our last goodbye.

-CH-

The end

I talked to a friend. She’s married with 4 kids. She said even when her husband is being a complete dick and she wants to leave. She doesn’t have the strength. Emotionally or financially and no family to help. I don’t want to be that girl but I am. Constantly trying to make things better but they just don’t go the way I planned. I’m not happy and whether I stay in this or not. I never want to do it again. I thought love was all great. Disney really tricks you as a kid. You can be a princess almost get killed by a witch have evil step mother and sisters live in poverty and you always end up happy and living with Prince Charming in the end. BULLSHIT!! Life is not a movie obviously and there’s always a downside to life. You might get a great career and guy but then he cheats on you or beats you. You might get a slightly less motivated guy that doesn’t cheat or beats you but never wants to do better. Either way you always get fucked in the end. At least that’s always my outcome. All good things come to an end. I just know now not to expect anything from life but what I get. Relationships are just not for me. So I either try and take what I get or nothing at all. I’m never alone because of my kids. But as far a love and emotion goes I’m fucked.

Dreamland

It’s odd, the only time I can really be truly happy is when I’m
asleep. Though that doesn’t really help because I don’t get much of
that. Laying there with your eyes shut tight. Thinking the harder you
hold them closed the faster you’ll fall asleep. That never happens but
believe when I am finally asleep it’s amazing. When I can dream a
great dream its beautiful. When the nightmares are away that night
it’s amazing. I’m free, free to be with you. I can be myself, there’s
no judgment just love. Everyone’s happy and all the feelings that are
felt in the fairytales are there. So that way even if it will never
happen for real, I know when I sleep I get to feel it. I’m waiting,
waiting patiently for the day. The day you come to me and you say you
love me. That I’m the only one for you and no one else compares. I
wanna feel safe, I wanna feel warm and happy. I want my kids to see it
and grow to want that for themselves. I just want the innocence I had
before. Where everything was magical and everyone was capable of love.
But for now, when I dream, that’s the only time I see that world.

Broken

Not being able to separate everything will tear you apart. It’s not fair when someone is so happy but the other is so sad. I’m dying inside. I’m lost. I’m so hurt and so insulted. It’s my fault. I feel like my world is crashing down on me. My walls are closing in and I can’t breathe. I can’t make you happy forever and forget about me. It’s not fair. It’s not fair for you to ask me to. That’s not love. That’s torture. But you’ll never know the damage you’ve caused because you’ll never want to see it. Feel it. Live it. I don’t live right. I don’t love right. I’m selfish. I’m irresponsible. I’m broken. That’s how you feel about me. I’ve done nothing to say those things but try and live the life I want. I was just asking for what I need.